Have you ever cried over spilt coffee?
Tired mothers unite.
Today I woke up at 4:25am. Not by choice but by toddler. Each morning I hear my son switch off the white noise, slap open his bedroom door, 10 heavy little footsteps, and then my door slams open. “Mummmmmyyyyy” he screams as he stands beside my bed. His digger tucked under his left arm, plush turtle under his right, penguin night light in one hand and water bottle in the other – even at this hour, I still wonder how I made something or rather, someone, so beautiful – and I also ponder how I, someone who loves sleep, made someone who seems to loathe it.
At the moment, Freddie is off dad which sounds terrible but you know how toddlers are. He ends up in hysterics if my husband, Danny, tries to intervene. So, I scoop myself up, and we begin our day - it’s not too bad but it’s not good. It’s an ungodly hour, still pitch black but much better than the months of wakeful nights prior to this; before the regular 4am-ish wake-up calls, I was a shell; a term that I use to only use when speaking of the oceanic variety has now taken human form – motherhood will do that though. Give new meaning to familiar words. Anyway, up until recently, my two (almost three) year-old son was sleeping like a newborn and by that I mean, waking every couple of hours, screaming “Mummmmmyyyyy” and taking an exorbitant amount of time to get back to sleep. I thought we were through this. We’d done our time, we were now over two years into parenthood but somehow we were right back where we began.
Infant sleep is a loaded topic and contrary to what that sleep consultant on Instagram will have you believe, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Take my group of close friends for example; my bestie has kids who go to bed late and rise late. Another has a military-like routine and has followed sleep guidelines from a consultant as soon as she could - for the most part, it worked until she had her third. One enlisted the help of a nurse who specialises in infant sleep. Another who has two terrible sleepers. And the other, has one kid who now sleeps okay and another who doesn’t, even though she did exactly the same for both. So I wonder, are we all just doing it wrong or are we all gobbling up an unrealistic narrative on infant sleep?
Up until Freddie was 14 months old he only ever napped for 25 minutes at a time. I tried the resettling thing as directed by the very kind and empathetic midwives at Possum Cottage and attempted it for 10 long days before I gave up. I was going mad, resettling him for longer than he was actually staying asleep. All the while, driving myself insane worrying he wasn’t getting enough sleep to grow and thrive. His reflux made sleep tricky any time of the day or night but we managed. We made it through (just). Now, almost three years in and we’re still ‘managing’ and on and off searching for reasons as to why he is such a terrible sleeper – I thought perhaps it was separation anxiety from starting daycare so we tried co-sleeping. But he still woke. I tried cutting his day naps, altering his diet, changing his bedtime, minimising screen time etc etc. Yet, he was still wakeful. We tried everything we were comfortable with. The truth of the matter is, he’s always been a pretty shitty sleeper but the day I found myself in tears over a spilt coffee, was the day I knew I desperately needed something or someone to help.
This particular morning started at 3:52am. Well, technically it felt like it began months back which was the last time I could recall getting more than two hours of sleep in one session. Desperately, I tried to cuddle him back to sleep but he wasn’t having any of that. He was “up, mummy” for the day. I told my husband, that he may as well go to the gym while I watch ‘Ricky Zoom’ on the couch with Fred. I remember feeling so tired I could cry but my saving grace, a large coffee was on its way.
“Can you bring me a coffee home?” I begged my husband.
”Yep! On my way!” He replied.
”Make sure it’s strong, and the size of my head. Plz.”
Danny arrived home and I was putting on some washing (you know, surrendering to being that early bird). “Just put it there,” I said. Four words I’d live to regret. He popped the cup full of hopes and caffeine on the coffee table. I was only a few steps away when Danny walked into the kitchen to start brekkie, and Fred? Well, he thought he’d help by placing pegs on my freshly brewed coffee. “Mummmmmmyyyy!” I peered out of the laundry to see my cup on its side and coffee rolling down the table onto our rug. “Fredddd! Fuck.” I yelled (yes, I sometimes yell and swear, and yes I feel very guilty afterwards). Just like the coffee melting onto our cream rug, tears were now pouring down my face. I was crying. Freddie was crying. And it wasn’t even 7am.
“Are you ok?” Danny asked.
“I’m fine, I was just really looking forward to my coffee.” I insisted.
He gave me a hug. He knew today was one of those days. Then he fetched me another coffee, no questions asked. I needed sleep. We all needed sleep.
For us, melatonin, prescribed by our family GP is what has helped Freddie fall asleep much quicker and stay asleep but it isn’t a cure-all. It doesn’t work every night but it’s something. If he’s unwell, forget it. Nothing will work except cuddles from Mum, and dad (unfortunately) on the lounge, which I get. Who doesn’t want their mum when they are sick? He still averages waking up twice a night. Now 3am will come, and so will those 10 heavy little footsteps but he will happily fall back to sleep in bed with Danny and me... and the digger, turtle, penguin light, and water bottle. It’s not ideal. I don’t sleep like I used to but much like the melatonin, it’s something.
I’m not a medical professional or expert on sleep but if you’re deep in the newborn haze of cluster feeds, hitting a sleep regression hard, or have an older child who simply does not sleep – everyone will tell you it’s a moment. A phase. A season. And it is and I wish I had some words of wisdom but all I can say is it’s bloody hard. And if I can give you any unsolicited advice it’s to not do this alone. Choose a method of help that you’re comfortable with – whether it be a consultation with your GP, a sleep study, asking for help from your partner/friend/parent/doula, sleeping in separate bedrooms so either you or your partner can sleep, co-sleeping, feeding to sleep, investing in a Snoo or trying every gadget under the sun – whatever it is, do what you need to do to make it through… one looooong caffeine fuelled day at a time.
With love, coffee and wine,
Jade x