Postpartum body love is complicated.

Why do we feel the way we do about a body that has given us so much?

Ashley Graham via @Glitterstretchmarks.

"A woman's body is everyone's business but her own." - Taffy Brodesser-Akner

I first heard Taffy's quote a couple of years ago. I was listening to Pandora Syke's audiobook 'How do we know we're doing it right?' while I simultaneously (and ironically) got my heart rate up on a $55 stepper from Kmart. The stepper was a fitness product made notable again during lockdown by influencer Elle Ferguson. Back then, I was almost one year postpartum and desperately trying to get back to my old body and squeeze into my old jeans – admittedly, that is something I'm still trying to achieve –and a goal that I have since discovered is not mine alone. "Three days postpartum, I managed to squeeze back into my pre-pregnancy jeans. After that, I started to gain more weight back and couldn't fit them again. It was a mindfuck and awful," said Brooke Cummings, over DM. 

After reading Pandora's essay, I searched for Taffy's New York Times Magazine article, Losing It In The Anti-Dieting Age, published in 2017. It is a brilliant piece on the re-branding of the weight loss industry into the self-care and wellness industry as we know it today, and the quote in its entirety is devastatingly pungent.

"Weight isn't neutral. A woman's body isn't neutral. A woman's body is everyone's business but her own. Even in our attempts to free one another, we were still trying to tell one another what to want and what to do. It is terrible to tell people to try to be thinner; it is also terrible to tell them that wanting to lose weight is hopeless and wrong." – Taffy Brodesser-Akner, journalist.

The body-positive movement has been a welcomed change in our society. To me and many others, seeing a more diverse and inclusive standard of beauty is a good thing, especially during postpartum. We've seen model Ashley Graham lead the way and many a mumfluencer post about everything from stretch marks to incontinence, all while we’re being targeted by fitness apps declaring the way to eternal postpartum body confidence is a paid subscription and 20 minutes a day of HIIT (high intensity interval training). Even with so many positive role models, it does not silence the inner critic of comparison and self-loathing, nor does it erase the years of learned diet culture from our mothers who tried every fad from Atkins to The Cabbage Soup and South Beach programs and who are presumably still searching for a silver bullet to keep their weight down. Anna Johnston, nurse and mother of two adds, "Growing up with a mother who was and is still constantly on diets and talks horribly about herself and her body is the root cause for my unhealthy relationship with food and my body." 

“I don't want to waste time or my brain space by attempting to fit into my Redone jeans or fear wearing a bikini at the beach with my son, I want to feel like I did pre-baby. I don't want to be repulsed by the flap of skin that rests on my thighs when I sit down to pee – I don't want anyone to feel this way. “

Mothers, patriarchy and capitalism aside, with all our body inclusivity progress, why are we still uncomfortable in the bodies that have given us so much? I think Jia Tolentino nails it when she talks about body positivity in her novel Trick Mirror; "We have hardly tried to imagine what it might look like if our culture could do the opposite. Deescalate the situation. Make beauty matter less." If beauty mattered less, perhaps I wouldn't so vividly remember standing in front of a mirror after giving birth and thinking this is not my body. Maybe I would not have so much clarity and the sheer embarrassment I did when I arrived home from the hospital; fluid retention had well and truly set in, and I was swollen, marked, saggy and sad. I had cankles and sausages for toes and called one of my best friends, a nurse, to come over and put on the not-so-sexy-but-essential compression stockings – an image far from what I thought I'd look like as a new mum. I can laugh about it now; I looked utterly ridiculous, and I felt mortified when visitors stopped by (which, in hindsight, I should have refused). For a long while, I did feel uncomfortable in my new swollen self, so much so that I avoided photos with my son. My desire to get back into shape was often met with comments like "you're a mum, who cares." or "but you look fine". These remarks may be well-meaning, and I do understand my privilege of being a white, average, able-bodied female, but these comments dismiss the ingrained and unhelpful thoughts to resemble ourselves again, no matter our size. 

"We have hardly tried to imagine what it might look like if our culture could do the opposite. Deescalate the situation. Make beauty matter less." – Jia Tolentino

Now, three years postpartum, I realise just how idiotic (and sleep-deprived and hormonal) I was to fixate on my sad and saggy form only four days after I had my beautiful son. I covet looking like my old self and feeling connected to myself and my body, but this goes beyond vanity. I want to feel good, or better yet, not even think of my body at all apart from how it functions. I don't want to waste time or brain space by attempting to fit into my Redone jeans or fear wearing a bikini at the beach with my son. I don't want to be repulsed by the flap of skin that rests on my thighs when I sit down to pee – I don't want anyone to feel this way. 

Before I add a bunch of direct quotes straight from the @dear_dilate DMs, I’m going to end this with the notion that it is okay to feel how you feel. It is okay to feel terrible one day and proud the next, but don't let this swallow you whole and control how you live your life. I think we can be both in awe of the function of our physical form and wish it looked different, and I think body neutrality is how we get there. Body neutrality is accepting without forming opinions and not determining whether our bodies are good or bad. But, like anything, this will take time and constant self-work. It will require each of us to figure out what it is that will help us feel good and not dwell on the appearance of our bodies; after all, they are pretty fucking fantastic. As Jessamyn Stanley, yoga teacher and author of Every Body Yoga and Yoke points out in an interview with Goop, "Achieving body acceptance comes down to having therapy with yourself all the time. And I mean forever." 

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Here’s what the mother’s of DD had to say…

“Will say this just quickly - seeing a variety of postpartum bodies does help because frankly when I was pregnant - I saw no bodies that looked like mine. Every pregnancy pamphlet, sponsored post, ad, website etc features a size 8 woman with the perfect bump. Would have loved to have seen a pregnant size 16 woman at least once during my 9 month journey.” – Alana

“Its taken me over a year to actually understand my body postpartum.I'm now lighter than I have been in years, but I still have a big old c-shelf. So I look chunkier than ever before. My clothes are kind of loose fitting now, but I don't look like I would be when I'm nudey rudey. I'm starting to get the fact that it's like if I had been just really overweight, and lost a whole lot. It changes the shape of your body, and there's extra skin now too. It's weird, but it takes a lot of getting your head around no matter what you've "bounced back" to. Lol bounced back is the worst term postpartum. I hate it. Body's are just bonkers, and that's what we need to know really.” – Tobie

“I think a lot of it for me personally, it’s connecting to my former self. I logically know I’ve grown and birthed two babies, but I want to be myself again and some of that is my clothing from my former life. It’s sad to see clothes I love and identify with as me not being able to fit into. It feels deflating. I don’t know who I am. The clothes I’ve bought postpartum aren’t me, I don’t want to invest in things and acknowledge my body has changed, maybe my whole person too. I hope this doesn’t sound superficial but I think our bodies and the clothes we wear form a big part of our identity and becoming a mother questions so many things about yourself and who you are.” – Anna

“Body variety and visibility definitely helps postpartum. I feel like when I was stuck at home, sore, scared, unfamiliar with my new self, anxious and uncertain in trimester 4, my socials were filled with images of radiant new mums who were loving their new selves, had ‘bounced back’ and already exercising. Meanwhile I was crying, had prolapse, had piled on extra weight and felt completely disconnected to myself. The comparison of me vs them significantly increases that feeling of disconnect.

Often these images of other mums were attached to messages that we should ‘love our new bodies and all that they’ve achieved’. Yeah kewl….great message but my internal messaging from years of being fed external messaging about bigger bodies not being worthy, was far stronger than the ‘just love yourself’ message. And not loving myself definitely added to the defeated internal spiral and me feeling again as though I wasn’t as good as these other women who were loving themselves.” – Isabel

“I think I feel the best about my body when I am physically exercising and connecting with it. I have a high contact baby, so making time to exercise in this way is hard. It’s also a combination of always feeling like a bigger girl when there were not bigger bodies in the media, and my mothers own body issues.” – Hannah

“Hello! I’ve found it harder to accept the more time passes… in the immediate year or so pp body changes feel empowering and directly relevant to the stage of life you’re at. Now at 2.5yrs pp I’m having to decide whether to accept the changes as somewhat permanent — which comes with an entirely new body shape meaning not only buying different sized clothes but considering that styles that used to suit me no longer do — or make a choice to really ‘try to lose the baby weight’ with targeted exercise/diet, which seems to play into patriarchal beauty standards and is not a narrative I ever wanted to perpetuate.” – Haylee

“I love seeing a variety of bodies, also try not to focus on how a body looks so much, rather how it makes me feel. I treat the media I consume like I would approach other areas with health and well-being in mind. I only follow accounts of people who inspire me, artists, creators, makers, writers etc. I focus on how I feel not look and look at other areas in my life like that. After 3 kids, I don’t feel good or relate to looking at fashion mags or influencers who puts all of her time into curating how something looks, would rather see someone making a beautiful thing or inspiring piece to read, it makes me feel good. I suppose my priorities and focus has shifted. Like the old saying, ‘what you put your attention to grows’ and what I want to grow is feeling good about being my authentic self. It’s the secret sauce of life as it makes you more interesting and magnetic.” – Jacque

“I’m 1 yr PP from our first and found the experience post birth a jarring one. Like I woke up to a brand new body I should just “love.” Pregnancy was a gradual change I could accept and love as I journeyed along. PP was like I woke up to a seemingly permanent costume that I couldn’t take off. I didn’t have clothes that fit and I didn’t know what to buy that would look good - my shape was completely different. Two people I knew that gave birth the same time were able to fit into their “normal” clothes after 6 weeks. I pride myself on being a healthy and fit woman so feeling anything but after birth sucked. I hardly looked in the mirror. It took me a long time to invest in some bigger size clothes. I am only now starting to feel like myself again but even that I will never be the same. Birth changes you inside and out.” – Shalane

“I’ve just had my second baby (11weeks ago). I have stretch marks on my belly and it’s loose and still seems swollen. I look at myself and wonder why my body didn’t bounce back like my friends did when she recently had her 4th baby. I’ve always judged myself (even when too thin)… defo got that from my mum. I wish I could just enjoy each and every stage so that my insecurities aren’t passed on to my kids.” – Millie

“I genuinely fucking love my postpartum body. But, I have noticed even those close to me making comments about how I should keep my old clothes & reassuring me I’ll fit back into them. Maybe I don’t want to! The curves, the bumpy parts, the change to my skin texture...the list goes on and I’m so proud of it all.” – Kate

“3 months post my 3rd child. Starting to feel like it's time to give my body some attention and build my strength etc for my back and to feel a bit more like myself. I don't compare myself to others and if people want to celebrate their bodies pp I am 100% for it and feel like we all should be supportive as women and mothers of women who are feeling good about themselves.” – Dimity

“Yes I’ve found it hard to digest others comments. I lost a lot of weight very quickly post partum (death of my father and extreme post natal anxiety) and others comments about my skinny frame made me feel very self conscious and that I had to credit death and anxiety to weight loss. It felt very wrong. Please don’t comment on others bodies especially when they may be feeling vulnerable.” – Kay

If you have more thoughts on PP body acceptance, please comment below.