The relief of another year without The Elf on our shelf.

Thoughts about The Elf On The Shelf & why or why not opt into the gimmick.

This image I found via Pinterest sent me haha.

It is precisely 12 days 'til Christmas as I write this. I say this with a shadow of disbelief. I thought, well, I hoped I still had at least 3 weeks until the jolly fat man came crashing down the chimney, or if you speak with my son, have the jolly fat man leave the presents outside our front door like we've just ordered via Uber Eats. For those new around here (hi, hello, welcome!) or you haven't picked up on this already, my son is a deep (over)thinker much like me… perhaps he'll be a writer too? Anyway, where was I – my son does not like the literal scenario of a random stranger, even if he comes bearing gifts, slinking into our home in the middle of the night. Needless to say, we do not do Elf On The Shelf in our house either – which I was willing to (not pushing to) participate in if he asked. Child-led elfing, if you will. He did, in fact, ask but then redacted the question the next day. I could see his little mind working overtime as he asked me to ask the Elves not to rock up to our home unannounced. I agreed; we did not need Santa's snitch in our house or shelves.

This did not make me feel sad. The magic and wonder of Christmas do not depend on a creepy plastic nymph unrolling toilet paper, sitting in fruit bowls and taking Barbie hostage. What I felt was a great relief. And my son? Well, he is happy just to see the elves at daycare. So, while you may be rolling your eyes and declaring me the next Ebenezer Scrooge, Elf On The Shelf is a big business. A 50 million-dollar business (according to Google). The co-creator, Carol Aebersold, a stay-at-home mother of two daughters at the time of inception back in 2004, says they saw this as a "wonderful opportunity to share this story and tradition with other families" – which I think she perhaps meant they saw this as a lucrative opportunity to target mothers. If you click the link above, the Forbes article explains that they used their savings, maxed out credit cards, and a family member even sold their house to self-publish the original Elf On The Shelf book and start the company known as Lumistella. They knew mothers would buy into it. That kids would demand it. Mothers are the perfect captive audience – the buyers of presents, the decorators of homes, the Christmas cheer spreaders and around-the-clock emotional regulators. They also comprehended (and had first-hand experience in), like anyone marketing to mothers understands, we are susceptible to guilt, FOMO, or even more persuasive, FOKMO (Fear-Our-Kids-Missing-Out).

But I can't blame Carol for wanting to make bank. She had a brilliant concept, the collateral to put behind it and impeccable timing; “In 2008, the rise of the elf began. The Elf on the Shelf joined Facebook, and Aebersold and Bell, the authors, went on a book tour. The elf character began picking up momentum, and by 2012, he was a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. The Elf on the Shelf has been a best-seller every year since 2013.” - Vox.com. Carol has been plugging Elf on Facebook for 15 years, and now in 2023, turning to social media has become a main source of parenting resources including shopping links, hacks and medical information, and the estimated number of Elves on the loose are said to be over 22.5 million, and inhabit 19 million homes.

That fear of judgement is why most parents I know bought the Elf and tie themselves in tinsel every year, trying to dream up a new scenario, then set up The Elf after bedtime when they'd much rather go to bed themselves. But, saying no to our kids is hard especially when this trend or tradition, whichever side of the fence you sit on, is so loud it’s impossible to ignore. Not only do parents opt in or out, lots choose to broadcast their decision online. In a post on a Facebook Mum Group, one anonymous member wrote a very long post that I have paraphrased; “This year I said no. No honey, you are 10 now… And I know the disappointment you have in your mum because all the other kids elfish creatures move around and do fun things.” She goes on, “ I stand by my decision. My daughter is heartbroken… It’s a no win situation created by a company for profit.” As you can imagine, the keyboard mums went wild in both, her defence calling Elf “torture” and confessing they have never delved into it while others served her with comments like “I think it’s sad… if she’s upset, it must be important to her.” I still do not quite understand why she posted this. Perhaps a need to vent, to find others like her or to scream her frustrations into the dark hole of the internet, freeing her from her own guilt? I’ll never know. And what’s the point of commenting to further twist the dagger? I’ll never know that either, I guess.

There is a sense of harmless delight, the excitement and the appeal to trick our kids into behaving for the most chaotic month of the year for only (!) $47.99, accessories not included. This joy is not only reserved for kids, though, is it? Parents also get a real kick out of setting up elaborate scenes. The hashtag elfontheshelf has over 5M posts on Instagram. I'm willing to bet my house that this is not the kids sharing but rather, us parents boasting of our own efforts – if I had spent an hour covering my son's bedroom in faux snow, just as this woman did, I'd probably show-off to the digital world too or perhaps not because that is a terrible idea ha. Posting and boasting does not bother me, we need to have evidence of the lighter time, as so many things in parenting can be heavy and often go unseen. The sentiment of sharing the Elf in a bowl of cereal well-meaning and when sharing online, the sentiment is so important.

That said, there are a few crucial and alarming powers of the Elf but its ability to shame is what I most fear. As

Emily Oster

of ParentData points out, "Fundamentally, part of the power of the Elf is shame. The Elf sees when you are nice and when you're naughty. The idea that bad behavior is something that should shame you — should get you on the "bad" list with Santa — is not one that most child psychologists endorse. 'Gentle parenting' and experts like Dr. Becky and Big Little Feelings emphasize that kids want to do well and that we've got to help them get there. We do that by giving them tools for how to deal with stressful situations and not by making them feel like bad people." I believe this what was on my son's mind. That a tantrum would result in a bad review from The Elf and thus place him on Santa's notorious Naughty List. For me, the risk of instilling shame outweighs the entertainment for my son right now. But, ask me again in twelve months!

In conclusion, if the ghastly gimmick brings joy to your home, it's perfectly fine to keep them around and for you to get excited and share this excitement with your digital community. If it feels more painful than playful, you may want an exit plan (or an Elf funeral... too dark?), or if it's not too late, consider not buying into the Elf phenomenon at all. We are responsible for what we do with our families in our homes; we don't require approval online or from anyone IRL. If you want an alternative The Elf on The Shelf, then take this as an opportunity to make a tradition that fits your family and choose one that does not cost a thing!

Jade x

P.s. As always, this is purely my opinion that has been formed by what I see, hear, experience and then think critically about. I urge you to do the same.