Equal partnerships are a male issue.
So why are women the only ones talking about it?
Preface: This essay is my opinion based solely on my lived experience as a women in a heterosexual marriage, and a mother. It is also influenced by the conversations I have had with the women and mothers around me as well as the stories told in the media, and resources available. It is not a reflection of ‘all men’ or ‘all relationships’ but rather a common thread.
Ask a mother what she would do with two hours of free time, and “put on a load of washing” will be number one on her list. Ask her husband the same question, and I doubt the phrase put on a load of washing would even be part of his vernacular. I will give credit where credit is due. The movement of modern fathers means that dads do a hell of a lot more than fathers of previous generations – we see fathers wearing baby carriers, at the school drop-off, and attending school assemblies which flexible work hours and WFH structures now allow. But the facts are mothers in heterosexual relationships are working outside the home more yet still taking on most of the domestic duties and, if not all, of the cognitive labour at home. We have done what we can to optimise our home lives, some even say they have learnt to “make magic in the mundane.” We have commercialised, monetised and glamourised keeping house (though I’d argue there’s nothing magical about scrubbing one’s toilet), which feels both impressive and oppressive.
Now, before you scream, “But more fathers work full-time”, please spare me. If that same male didn’t have a family, he would work full-time and have to cook, clean, grocery shop, buy his own underwear, book his own appointments and do his own washing. So, why is it that once he becomes partnered up, he relapses at home? This is not entirely his fault. Gendered stereotypes go both ways and have been ingrained in us long before we were jelly beans on the screen. We know many men feel pressured to be the breadwinner (the main or sole earner of the family), even if their wives earn equal to or more than them – this patriarchal archetype has shaped how many men believe they must be in this world. It’s challenging (not impossible) to rewrite an entire generational discourse. We may have come so far but we still have a long way to go.
My husband often asks me, when he can tell I’m stressed, “what can I do to help?” And my response a lot of the time is, “nothing and everything.” How do I make my husband take on the mental load of knowing when our son has gone up a shoe size, or teach him what gut intuition is when I notice that Freddie is a bit ‘off’ and forward plan the ripple effect this will cause for the next week or so? Or to check there’s 50c in our son’s wallet for a sherbet lolly pop at swimming, book a doctor’s appointment for his 4-year-old shots (or to make a mental note that he needs the four-year-old needles), and notice that his toothpaste is almost out. That book week is coming up and we have to think of a costume and no, Freddie doesn’t like that white tee shirt, he wears only this one, and I have to keep this washed and ready every day or that after eating two punnets of strawberries every day for the past month, he’s now not eating strawberries so buy something else (your guess is as good as mind as to what). And to pick up a gift for Sunny’s birthday next week, he’s the kid who is obsessed with the Hulk… remember? How do I recall all of this, and yet my husband, who lives in the same household, does not?
To even begin to delegate the types of tasks that pop into our minds more frequently than the notifications I’m now getting from Threads just feels exhausting. Many of us get on with it because how do we find the time to teach someone something that is intrinsic to us? I don’t have the answer, and I also didn’t sign up to train my husband or to be his mother either – and it is such a privilege to be able to say I’m too fucking tired to teach my husband (who is pretty good anyway!) to take on his share of domestic duties and the invisible tasks at home. This is a hetero-male issue that is a problematic for females (and excuse my ignorance for not delving into same-sex couples, but it seems they do have a more level playing field from the people I have spoken to). I haven’t fully given in to (un)equal roles at home; I often push my husband’s buttons and throw him in the deep end, which may be, “You do dinner tonight, do the shopping for it, too and take Freddie with you. I’m off for a walk.” An average scenario for me but tricky for someone who does not do all of those things regularly or simultaneously.
Women have already bent over backwards to progress and push and take on more and more and more to have families and a career only to be met with the double standard that is you can’t have it all – well, you can, if you have a wife that is, and instead of screaming into the abyss or playing into the nagging wife stereotype (which she is not nagging, she’s just sick and tired of doing it all), giving you a list of conversation starters or cards to divvy out to your partners, what I want to point out is that where all of these strategies and books fail is that they are targeted and marketed to women as though it’s up to us to make them want to change when the evolution we all need is for men to have conversations with men about equality in the home. For them to read the books, buy the deck of Fair Play cards, and draw up a plan or family schedule – to take notice, interest and responsibility in the home as they do in their workplaces. Then there will be hope for the next generation to be better than us at creating unity in the home as we will model that marriage is a partnership and that family is a unit within a village that flourishes when we all band together.
Our son is our main focus in all of this – teaching him how to take care of himself (brushing his teeth and hair), cooking (stirrer and taste-tester), cleaning (wiping the skirting boards while dad does the vacuuming and I do the bathrooms), tidying up after himself (scraps in bin, plate in sink after dinner, shoes in closet), taking pride in his things (care for his treasured items such as his books, trucks and his room), and to lend a hand where possible which may be minimal for a three-year-old. Still, we aim to create life-long habits so that he will know what it means to take care of himself and each other, whether he remains an individual, married or otherwise, and instil that boys can be nurturing, thoughtful, and can clean up after themselves.
While we aren’t exactly 50/50 in my household, we talk about it and tweak our weeks to help each other when we can – at the moment, we hardly have the time to sit down and chat properly without his phone ringing or Freddie interrupting with a loud statement about the Lego jet plane with booster rockets he has just constructed at the dinner table, and once it hits 8:30pm both our minds are aching to switch off. While our son is young and we are (kind of) too, we know these are our building years for work and family, and it is something we are choosing to do together rather than alone. The freedom to have this conversation without attacking one another (which doesn’t happen every time!) is a small win, and when we do, often I’ll notice a slight software upgrade – he’ll cook breakfast, tidy while I’m out, or puts on that load of washing… even if I have texted him reminding him to do so.