How to make new mum friends.
Tried and tested tips from a mum (me) who has successfully done it.
The other week on @dear_dilate, I posed the question; What was something you assumed about motherhood? And the responses varied. Some light-hearted, poking fun at ourselves for our sheer naiveness and undeniable ability to glaze over the awkward details with a Paris filter-like effect means some of these nuances are never entirely exposed. More than a handful confessed to thinking more time at home equated to more time in general and declared, “I thought I’d have time for a hobby!” Ha. Then, others touched on much heavier subjects of partners not stepping up and the fragility of our identities. The amount of you who replied with tales of broken friendships or friendlessness tugged at my heartstrings, so much so that I thought I’d write this somewhat straightforward guide.
We tend to think that it’s impossibly outlandish to make new friends as adults, so we don’t even try. We hide, stay home, can’t be bothered, or life feels too hectic so we reply ‘no’ to that haphazard party invitation. Forming friendships online seems safer and logistically much more accessible. I have forged many friendships online with many of you, each divulging our deep dark secrets and wish I lived close by to pop in for a real life cuppa instead of a virtual hug. No one feels like a stranger anymore, regardless if we have met IRL or not. Loneliness in motherhood is so real and became even more apparent (well, at least for me) during the pandemic. It feels unexpected and, at times, confusing. It’s perplexing to be both touched out and utterly alone at the same time.
So if you are reading this and really could do with a tangible friend you can squeeze (probably don’t do this on the first meet up!), the first step is knowing that you are not alone in these feelings and that most (if not all) mums have and do feel this way in one stage or another, which means there is a silver lining. It makes us open to new friendships, more so than in other stages of our lives. That being said, I hope these tips give you the gentle push you need to seek out a new friendship or rekindle an old one.
GET OFF YOUR PHONE.
Friends can be made anywhere – school drop-off/pick-up, swimming lessons, the park, a coffee cue, a scooter ride, an early morning Kmart dash to buy a present for the birthday party that’s on in 30 minutes, but you forgot (and they forgot too!) – but it’s pretty difficult for anyone to approach if your face is in your screen. If you are open to making new friends, resist the temptation to doom-scroll, look up and smile at others to signal that you are here and open to a conversation. Quite often, my son will go up to another child and ask if they want to be his best friend (ahh, simpler times), which I’m not suggesting that you do, but if your kid is seeking out others to play with, follow them and say hi to their parent/s… you never know; you just might hit it off.
TAKE THE LEAD & LOCK IT IN.
Now that you’ve met somebody you gel with (note: this may not happen with everyone, which is fine and normal!), organise a proper meet-up. It may be a casual play date, a child-free coffee, a walk, wine or a movie you’re dying to see – put forward an idea as well as when is possible for you and be open to being flexible. Then confirm and lock it into your calendar! So many times we say, “We really should catch up”, only to not see them until another unplanned, fifteen-second interaction while bent over scooping a handful of sand, gum nuts and a cigarette butt out of one child’s mouth, while simultaneously negotiating with the other to not jump off the top of the play equipment and dive bomb both of you.
BE HONEST, SHARE, ASK QUESTIONS AND LISTEN.
One of the most straightforward topics to chat about is our kids, so if you get nervous and freeze up, talk about the challenges, the funny things they do and say, and ask questions about them – we all love a bit of self-indulgence from time to time. Listen to what they are interested in or what season of motherhood they may be in and land on a topic that you both have in common… which may just be your relentless search for the perfect pair of jeans or your united loathing of Cocomelon.
FOLLOW-UP.
Now you’ve met up, it’s a good idea to stay in touch, which can be tricky, but it doesn’t have to be a big thing. It could be sharing a funny meme, tagging them in a new local restaurant opening, a text to check how they went with that doctor’s appointment or asking if they’re going to little Bobby’s party. It is an uncomplicated signal to show you were listening to what they had to say and that you appreciate their friendship.
MAKE IT A REGULAR THING.
If you do hit it off, the easiest way to form and grow a new friendship is to make a regular meet-up. A play date once a week after swimming lessons, a monthly child-free dinner or a Sunday morning walk – whatever it is, as long as it fits into both your schedules and lifestyles somewhat seamlessly so it naturally progresses into a standard routine.
What are your top tips for making new mum friends?